You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
