why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
