tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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