Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
