Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
