hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
