god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
