don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
pray to the hookup gods
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
