Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
