I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
