I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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