thus making me awesome and them whores
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
