craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
