We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
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