We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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