I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
