dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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