I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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