I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
