Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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