I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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