Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
