I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
