Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
