I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
