he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
