Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
