so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
