I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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