I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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