Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
