so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
