you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
