You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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