Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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