No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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