whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
