i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Two words: nipple clamps
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