Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
