Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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