k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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