Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
