Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
