Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
