I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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