Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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