Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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