I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
