The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
