On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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