I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
