I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
