Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
