Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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