Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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