Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
