based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
